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Is a Victim Mindset Holding You Back From Quitting Booze? What to do?

by | Stop Drinking Alcohol | 12 comments

Is a victim mindset holding you back from quitting drinking, what should you do about it?

I’m Kevin O´Hara for AlcoholMastery.com and today I wanted to talk about victim mindsets and how that can play a big part in stopping people from quitting booze. A victim mindset is when you don’t take responsibility for your own actions, that you blame something or somebody, some entity outside of yourself for the shit that is going down in your own life, right.

Now we all have this to a certain degree, some people have this as a much more powerful influence then other people, but it depends of how strong this is in your own life, it can definitely affect your responses to alcohol, to what’s going on in your life.

The victim mindset is, believing things are beyond your control not all things, some things are beyond your control and that’s part of life

But you always have to accept the responsibility for it, you have to accept the responsibility for everything that goes wrong in your life, it’s a part of your life right. Now you might not be able to respond in a way that you would like to be able to respond, but you can respond and the choice of response is yours, we will talk about this again in a minute.

This kind of things really affects how you live your life, this victim mindset mentality

It affects the choices that you make, the decisions that you make in life it affects how you interact with people and with the environment, it affects how you approach things like quitting drinking or how you look at you past, your present, your future – alright.

If affects how quickly you get away from alcohol and what exactly you are going to focus on into the future, right and that’s important.

So I’ll give you a few tips here on how to get rid of that victim mentality or at least derail it somewhat in your mind, I’m going to restrict my speaking to quitting drinking, but you can a apply this to almost anything that you don’t want to do in your life, any habit that you don’t want to do, you know if you are overweight and you want to stop eating the pizzas – it’s the same thing, the same principals apply right.

You’ve got to take responsibility for every drop of alcohol that enters your body
You are the one who buys it, you hand the money over the counter, you are the one that picks up the bag, takes it and puts into your car, drives home takes the bag out of the car and puts it into the fridge or the cupboard. You are the one who opens it, who pours it into the glass and it’s you ultimately, even if you don’t do any of the other steps in the equation, it’s you ultimately who puts the alcohol into your mouth. So it’s your ultimate responsibility for every single drop that enters your body. You are the one who is able to respond right?

Responsibility it is your ability to respond

Your responsibility means your ability to respond, that’s what matters and every drop of alcohol that you put in your mouth is an individual choice. You make the choice every single time to put the alcohol in to your body, so you can’t blame the drink, you can’t blame the other people that are around you, you can’t blame the environment, the people you’ve grown up with, that’s all bullshit, it’s all excuses, right.

The end of the day every single drop of alcohol that you put into your body is your responsibility, it’s your within your ability to respond and to say no.

I’m not doing this, I’m not doing this anymore. Make the choice once and then you do the same thing again and again and again and if you do that, you have quit drinking!

It’s your responsibility it’s your choice where you focus your mind, the same principal if you choice to focus your mind when you stop drinking on how much you are missing the alcohol or how much you think, that you are missing out because you are not drinking all those parties that you hold be going to, all those people that you should be out with, if you think about all that and you think about things in that way, then that’s your responsibility as well, it’s your choice to do that, you can turn around any moment and go that’s bullshit, that’s all crap, that’s the thing that got me into trouble at the first place.

Think about all the things that I could be doing you know with my time if it was a waste of my time going to these parties and getting drunk and not remembering it. Getting up the next morning with a hangover and feeling sorry for myself, feeling guilty about what I had done and going “Well it’s me, I’ll never give up the alcohol”

You know the answer, you know the answer. Another excuse is, “I’m weak, I can’t help myself”. You can help yourself,  you just don’t put the stuff into your mouth. It’s as simple as that. Anything else and you have a victim mentality, you are being a victim of your own mind basically

You are letting your own mind get away with fucking murder!

Because that’s basically what it’s doing, killing you slowly.

So that’s the first thing, it is just to have ultimate responsibility for everything that goes into your gap whether it’s an alcohol or a cigarette or a pizza that you don’t want to eat.

I know it’s difficult, but it’s the only real way that you’re ever going to quit, it’s not to put it into your mouth

I mean you talk and talk and say I’m going to do this, and I’ll do it tomorrow, whatever.

Until you actually don’t do it, don’t put the stuff into your mouth, then it’s always going to be an issue, you will never going to be able to stop doing the same thing, if you don’t stop.

Another way you can get rid of the victim mentality is just to forgive yourself

You know forget about your past bullshit, forget about the stuff that has gone in the past, there is nothing you can do about it. It’s all about how you think about it, you have got a choice of thinking about this in a positive way or a negative way, that’s something you can do every day. Your past is not in your power to change. Your past is certainly not in your power, you can’t do anything about your past.

So how do you forgive yourself, shrug your shoulders and go there is nothing you can do about it! Say forget about it, it’s gone! Its past! I didn’t know, I made mistakes, so what!

I’m proving now that I have learned from those mistakes by not making them again, it’s when you know what’s been going on in the past, know all this stuff about your own past and you keep doing the same thing again and again. What does that say? That’s another part of the victim mentality you thinking that your past equates to your present and it doesn’t! Your past has got nothing to do with your present, absolutely nothing to do with your present at all, right.

I mean fair enough you were, where you were because of what you have done in the past, but tomorrow you’re going to be where you are tomorrow because of what you do now. That’s also a good karma, so think about it from that position. That’s why I say don’t worry about the past forget about the past, forgive yourself and put the past mistakes, leave them in the past think about them as mistakes, learn from them, turn your ass around and move in the opposite direction into the future that you want, right.

If you focus on the past then that’s what you are going to get. You are going to get more of the same. If you focus on “I want to have a drink”, if you focus on how much you missed the alcohol, that’s what you are going to get, so forget about focusing on the past. Turn around and focus on the future instead. Forgive your sorry ass because that’s what needs to be done.

Same of the shit I have done in the past, I would be a nervous wreck moving outside my comfort zone. I certainly wouldn’t have given up cigarettes or booze because they were my saving grace at the time. So I thought they were the things that kept me moving around in circles as it was but that’s what I thought at the time was that they were the things that were just keeping me alive. They were the things that were giving me the pleasure in life, my only pleasure.

Yeah bullshit!

And that’s really the third point that I wanted to make in this video, about escaping you’re the victim mindset. It’s just to focus on your future, what you focus on, you expand. Aim your mind and think about all the things you want to do in life, all the good things you want to do, all the good things that you want to be, the person you want to be, think about that and aim all your thoughts and all your actions onwards that eventuality, towards that person. Visualize this, visualize this every single day of your life until you get there and then once you get there, think about something else that you want to do and focus on that.

You are what you think of, you are what you focus on most of the time!

Think about the mantra, “In every day in every way I’m getting better and better”. That’s it. This is what you should be focused on. I know it’s a corny one but it’s true. If you focus on making small changes in the right direction every single day, if you consistently get up every day and you say to yourself, “What can I do now to progress myself towards my goals?” Even if it’s only a small thing, even if it only takes you five minutes, it’s a progression in the right direction. Right!

It gives. You momentum and that’s the whole thing about moving forward, it’s to find that momentum. Once you find that momentum, things will start rolling on their own, things will start like a snowball rolling down a hill. Once it starts to gather speed, it builds its own momentum and then it just grows and grows and grows and grows and grows.

And that’s what you have to do in your life.

Move yourself away from alcohol towards your new goals in life, towards the person you want to be, forget about the past and forget about the victim mindset.

I have had this so many times in my past, this kind of thinking. It doesn’t get you anywhere. It just brings you back, takes you back, and puts shackles on to your imagination. You can’t progress while you are thinking this way, whether you blame anyone else or anything else outside of yourself for your problems, you are never going to make progress because you can’t do anything about it. That’s the whole situation, that’s my whole philosophy in life.

In any situation that you are in, find the solution, find the angle where you can do something. Forget about the things you can’t do anything about. Forget about the fact that your partner still drinks, forget about the fact that there is alcohol advertising outside your house or that you have to go to the party at the end of the week, a party where everyone is going to be drinking except you.

Think about this, think about yourself holding up a little tiny violin and playing the saddest tune in the universe… That tune is to yourself… To your own victimhood.

This little violin is playing well you are saying “Woe is me, Woe it’s me”.

That’s how pathetic I used to sound, because I don’t want to go to this day and I blame it’s not my fault, it’s all societies fault it’s my parents they brought me into this thing and they are the ones who started me out drinking, blame, blame, blame, blame outside of me, has nothing to do with me, where it has everything to do with me, until I figure that for myself, that the only that I was going to stop drinking was to stop blaming other people and just trying taking responsibility for very drop of alcohol that I have out into my body, that I am putting into my body or that I will ever put into my body, that’s what it boils down to so stop with the victim mind set you don’t want that it does do anything for you and it certainly not going to lead you away from drinking alcohol, not by a long shot, you have got to take the rains forget the crap.

I wish there was a machine where you could sort of twist around and kick yourself up the ass because I tell that would be a lot better than any of these AA things or most of the other bullshit that’s out there. Metaphorically kick yourself up the ass, that’s the idea, don’t be beating yourself up or making yourself feel small or anything of that. You have to build yourself up, it’s the opposite, right.


You have got to big up yourself all the time, give yourself the strength to do these things, give yourself the power to do these things, because the power is in there, the power is inside of you all the time.

It’s been there all the time and it will be there into your future, it’s up to you what you do with that power. You can squander it by imagining all the worst scenarios in the world, all the worst things that have happened to you and all the thing that people are going to be saying about you.

It doesn’t have to be like that. What it has to be like is you saying to yourself:

“I don’t give two flying fucks what anyone else says about me!”

“Whatever happens in life – it’s my life and it’s my choice about which way to look at this”, right. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks you are a lunatic or a loola or a gobshite or mad, or boring. It only matters what you think about yourself. If you think about yourself “I can’t do this! I can’t quit drinking. What am I going to do with this? What am I going to be with that? How am I going to deal with this situation?”

Your little violin, get it out! Imagine that in your brain, get it into your mind – that’s what it is. Think about it, this is what a two year old does. “I don’t want to do this, no, no, no, no, no, I can’t do this, mommy please help me”


Responsibility! Take your ability to respond, forget about the past, forgive your past actions, forgive yourself, and forget about the past. It doesn’t make any. Focus on your future. Focus on what you are going to do tomorrow, on the great life you are going to have.

When you turn around and kick yourself up the ass and go “right, that’s it, let’s move forward, come on, let now’s keep going”. What can you do know to make tomorrow a better time for yourself and for everyone else around you, because if you think about it from that perspective, if you have that mentality in your life, if you think about – instead of what’s come from all the way back there, right, from your past, if you look ahead to what’s going on in your future. And, you know, you can look at your future and go “Aw yeah, my future is going to be this, I won’t be able to have a drink again, and you know, I have got this and you know that thing is stopping me with me, and that thing is stopping me, and you know, how am I going to change this, you know”.

That’s something you have to figure out for yourself, I can’t figure that out for you

I mean, I have a tough enough time figuring my own shit out. It’s something you have to do. But you’re never going to do it with a victim mentality, that’s the whole point, you have to sort of take responsibility. Everything that you do is your choice right. If it’s not your choice, if something happens in your life and you have no control over it, it’s still your choice about how you respond and that’s the basic thing. You go to a party tomorrow and it’s your choice, you have to go to the party? You don’t have to go to it! But say you have to go to a certain place or say you run into somebody and whatever, shit happens in life and it’s your choice about how to respond, I’m starting to ramble now.

That’s it for today. Look, just take responsibility for yourself, take responsibility for all your actions, forget about your past, forgive all your past, your so-called sins, there is no such thing. Grow from the mistakes you made, learn from your mistakes and move on, you know, that’s basically it. Move on into your future, into your bright future.

So you have any comments leave them below in the comments section.

Come on over to the website there is a free video course available if you sign up to the newsletter, it’s called hang loose without booze.

If you have any questions leave them down below in the comments section… if you want to come over to the website Alcoholmastery.com sign up to the newsletter and you get access to a free 80 video course, 82 videos with eight hours with over, 25$ value… so just sign up for the newsletter and you can get that…

If you want the audio for this video then it’s just below the video on the post and until next time keep your chin up, stay safe, keep the alcohol out of your body I’m Kevin O´Hara for alcoholmastery.com good luck.


Until next time…
Onwards and Upwards!

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  1. Louise

    Thanks for that Kevin. I was playing my self pity violin loudly this morning. Focused on the alcohol this weekend and so I drank , after a week of positivity and focussing on my goals.
    I Was starting to sing the hymn ” I just can’t do this , it’s not for me it’s too Hard ” etc etc And using the excuse that it would have been my Dads birthday yesterday so of course I would turn to drink for comfort blah blah
    I am going to forgive myself and I’m giving myself a big kick up the arse now and I’m turning around to face my goals again.


  2. Mark

    Thanks Kevin, you do put things in perspective!! If your ever in the New York area of the U.S. would love to meet ya..

  3. Bengt Van Rosmalen

    I think you are doing a great job by keeping up my spirit for not drinking alcohol every day now. Thanks Kevin for showing me the way to think and act to leave alcohol out of my life.

  4. rob schagen

    Great video Kevin. Thanks a lot.

  5. wilfredo v

    Very nice video Kevin, you nail it. We have to stop putting excuses, blaming people and so on. We should be responsible and be able to manage and learn to say no to a drink or any addiction and look for a better and alcohol free future.

  6. Jim

    This comment isn’t necessarily about this video, just a general comment/story about getting here. I’m at day 18 drink free. I didn’t intend to “quit” drinking, but thought I should do a month detox with the main goal of quitting smoking and get a kick start on some fitness and health. I’d quit smoking for almost 3 years but slowly got back into it the last 8 months up to almost a full time again, and really can blame drinking and that environment for weakening my resolve to start. So, to avoid the most difficult cravings I knew I had to stop drinking for awhile until I was physically and mostly mentally ready to expose myself again. In doing this I came upon Kevins podcasts and videos….and now I’m thinking maybe at one month I’ll enjoy this new way of life (healthier and fuller) and just keep going. As he’s mentioned its hard to imagine never drinking again, and all the impacts with friends and family this would involve. Anyhow, the videos/podcasts are inspiring and I’m listening every day and starting to convince myself. No promises yet (have an all inclusive trip in 6 weeks with my wife and other couples who enjoy drinking), but other than that I’m trying to keep drinking type occasions off my schedule….even offered to work for someone on New Years Eve.
    Great videos Kevin…your thoughts and analogies are inspiring and help me to see things differently, especially now that its out of my system and the brain is clearing up! It sounds like I drank about the same as you…not a problem where I miss work but still missing out on a lot with hangovers and organizing my life around it ,and just not that healthy overall. After 18 days now, including plenty of exercise and eating very healthy, I’ve lost 10 lbs and pants are starting to get loose. Sleeping better, more energy, more brainpower, better mood, feeling good.
    Cheers! (lol maybe not appropriate but its my normal tagline)

  7. Lin Massaro

    Kevin, What does the wife do while all this going on? Every time I anger him he Says he will start drinking again. There is so much tension in the house that I cant stand it. I’m very proud that by watching your website he has been alcohol free for sixteen days but he uses the drinking as a threat for anything I say that he doesn’t like. I don’t know what to do. Can you give me some advice?

    • Kevin O'Hara

      How is he using drinking as a threat?

  8. Lisa

    I am pretty much a year late in this comment section lol. But…just wanted to let you that this was a great video! You never ramble…and if you did…I would love it anyways. Thanks again. For all you do. I am excited to know tbere are so many more inspirational videos to come! Thanks Kevin!

  9. Gill

    Hi kevin

    Love your videos listen to them every day and every day I say I need to stop but always fall back.
    Hate it hate myself for not being strong enough but hoping today will be the day.
    Just wanted to say great stuff you are doing and really look forward to your emails every day


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