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My Partner Doesn’t Support My Not Drinking Alcohol

by | Stop Drinking Alcohol | 6 comments

I got an email from a woman this morning, and she was basically saying that she and her partner had started out drinking together.

They’d always drunk together and she was saying she wanted to stop drinking and her husband didn’t want to stop his daily routine of drinking, and that she didn’t think that she could quit without his support.

I just wanted to make a quick video about it because there are different levels of support.


I mean, I’m in the same position; When I stopped drinking my partner said look, whatever you do, you do fair play to your body, but I’m not quitting drinking.

She was plain; she made it clear.

There was no way she was stopping.

She enjoyed drinking, she didn’t see it as a problem in her life, and I had to accept that.

I swear to God, for a long time, I wanted to try and convince her that what she was doing was wrong; I wanted to try and convince her that whatever I was doing was right.

The more I read into the effects of alcohol, the damaging effects of alcohol throughout your life, the more I wanted to say ‘Look, this is what I want’.

But then, I started looking at things from her point of view.

From my point of view,

alcohol was just a dead pool, sucking the life out of me.

Every part of my life was being affected in some way or another – all aspects of my life.

And, I think she was kind of happy that I’d stopped, so she still gave me support in her own way.

Her support didn’t involve stopping drinking her few glasses of wine.

And why should it? At the end of the day, this was my choice.

It was my choice to quit drinking, it was my choice to seek an alternative way of life,

and I cannot be any more thankful that I got wise when I did, and that I quit drinking.

I can’t be more thankful for that.

It was my choice, and I can’t force my choices on somebody else.

Same as my choice to go and stop eating meat, stop eating dairy products – all my choice.

And though I wish that there were more vegan restaurants around the place, I wish that everyone around me had stopped drinking when I stopped drinking, and I wish that all the advertising billboards were taken down…that’s never going to be the case.

If it were that easy, then everyone would do it.


you have to take the support that is given to you.

I mean there are different levels of support.

If the person is saying to you ‘Well, look, I’m not going to stop drinking, and I’m going to do my darnedest to make sure you’re back on alcohol’, that’s completely different.

But if they say ‘’Look, I still want to live my life the way I’ve been living it, but I will help you in any way, shape or form that I can, apart from that’’, then that’s better.

The whole thing about this is that you will influence people as you go.

People will start to see what kind of progress you’re making in your own life.

People will start to see how good things are getting to you without alcohol, how much you’re getting done.

If they change, they change, and if they don’t, they don’t.

But you have to live your own life; you can’t be trying to change other people’s lives.

I mean, fair enough, me making videos, I’m trying to change people’s lives.


I wish I could change young people’s lives especially, bring them in and make them see that this is a fool’s game, it’s a waste of life.

It’s fun when you’re young but you’ll regret it when you get older because of all the time that’s been wasted.

This is all you independently deciding to take that first step off alcohol, like all the rest of the steps that you’ve ever taken in your lifetime and you independently decided to stop.

You’ve got to make those choices on your own.

They’re your choices.

Most of us started out drinking in the first place because of coercion from other people.

I did and I know most people did because of peer pressure.

When you’re young, you’re susceptible to that, and young people are more susceptible to doing it; but as you get older, you’re supposed to be stronger and you’re supposed to be able to handle those things.

I know it’s difficult, but you learn.

The more you learn, the more ability you’ve got to deal with this kind of stuff.

Anyway, that’s just my two pence.

You can only take responsibility for yourself, you can’t be responsible for anybody else.

You can only make your own decisions, you can force only yourself to stop drinking.

Just think about the different levels of support that the people in your life are giving you.

They don’t have to change who they are in order to support you, they can do that being themselves, doing what they do.

If they decide later on to follow your good footsteps and they change their ways, then hallelujah, and if they don’t then that’s their luck out.

I want to be with my partner for the rest of my life.

I think about it sometimes, she could end up in the hospital later on in her life. You don’t know what’s around the corner.

So, take their support where you can, take their support as it’s offered to you.
Don’t look for excuses.


Until next time…
Onwards and Upwards!

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  1. Yvonne

    This is exactly where I’m at with my husband. However after 8 months of no alcohol, I thought I could try a drink again when we were out socially – just to prove to myself I could do it here and there and wasn’t addicted. Things were fine, I had 2 glasses and stopped there. Then 2 weeks later I tried it again when we were out for dinner. Now I crave alcohol again, every time I smell it at home which is every single night and it’s like starting all over again!!. I wish to goodness I’d never broke the alcohol ban, but that’s the inadvertent pressure of living with a partner that won’t stop.

  2. Sandy

    Great Subject here Kevin, this was a major mind set I had to change. Being alone I was stronger, but as soon as my husband came home from travels and wanted to enjoy a beer, I was soon to fall off course. Eventually, I saw this pattern wasn’t about to change, and I learned I had to overcome depending on someone else’s support, after all this was my goal and not someone else’s. “Why do I expect him to change when I am not”.
    Then I asked myself; “Would I jump off a bridge just because someone else did”? I had to find the strength in me, that will power, the courage to get over being in the presence of something I didn’t approve of because it may throw me off guard. I decided I would change my focus and get it off what he is doing and put that “focus back on what I am doing”. I decided I would focus on what I really enjoyed when the “happy hour” would come around, whether it is healthy snacks, dark chocolate, sparkling water, or cook a new menu for dinner. My goals to improve my health became my complete focus 24/7 even though I felt very selfish along the way. Finally, this change taught me to treat myself with love and respect, and I have learned that I am also setting examples all around me.

    • Kevin O'Hara

      That’s it Sandy… taking personal responsibility for everything… making your own happy hour… I love it… you have to be selfish sometimes… selfish first, helpish second. You can’t be the second without the first.

  3. Mel

    I just sent you an email – I can relate, I am vegan too! 🙂 It’s hard NOT to try and force my choices on others when there are people quite literally dying around the globe because of grain being fed to livestock……however I have learnt to take a deep breath and not feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can only do what “I” can do and be at peace with that and try to gently inspire others to live a kinder, compassionate life! : ) Great topic today. Mel.

  4. Jen

    Really enjoyed your book on Amazon and found your website. I have been ambivalent about quitting booze for the past six months. My partner drinks. He does not want to quit. When I see him drink, I want to drink. But, I have to focus on what I want for my life. I only have this one.

    Your videos are so inspiring. They bring a fresh approach to giving up alcohol. It seems to be more of a focus on how your life improves without booze versus focusing on how you miss it and how you are powerless.

    Thank you! I am now on Day 3!

  5. Lorraine

    Hi. I am sure I will stop counting the days very soon. Great News. Today I woke up without thinking of when my first glass of Wine would be. I have not even thought about an excuse to go and buy a Bottle. I do not even have a craving.
    I have not told my Ex Partner who I still live with that I have gone AF, as he does not drink Alcohol anyway, but I am aware that he can tell I am not drinking Wine.
    I have now told a few friends and family in the UK so they will be prepared when I return.

    I watched ‘Family Guy’ episode on Drinking. It may be of interest to you. It was based on ‘Moderation’ . Interesting in how they portrayed the Drunk and Sober!!!!! Not a Good.

    Looking forward to next Video. ?


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