Today’s question comes from a comment that was left on the website.
I’ll read it out:
Girlfriend gets me down with her drinking, and it’s destroying me.
I’d like to have some advice, I really love my girlfriend but alcohol destroys our lives. She drinks heavily pretty much daily. We have aspirations but she always collapses under the weight of alcohol when it comes time to act on them. She gives up alcohol, she always drops me and runs to the bottle. She always tells me that it’s easier to fail than it is to try and succeed. It’s destroying me as a person because I want to move forward with life’s goals. Every time we try, I get my hopes up and then I’m crushed. She refuses to get help for drinking. My support alone is not enough. I’m at the end of my rope, and all I want to do is cry. Any help is greatly appreciated.
First thing I’ll say to you is you cannot force anyone to stop drinking, it’s just not going to work.
No matter how much you try, there will always be a backlash if the other person doesn’t want to quit.
I’ve been exactly where you are now in a previous relationship.
I was with a woman who basically wanted to drink and smoke weed and have fun.
Her idea of fun.
And, we lived together and I had to get up for work in the morning, and she’d stay awake until 4 in the morning with music on and smoking weed and drinking alcohol.
It just totally screwed up our relationship.
I had to call it a day and sort of ended the relationship eventually.
Because out two lives weren’t compatible.
I had to accept it.
She wanted to go one way and I wanted to go another, and I wasn’t in the long run allowing her to take me down the path she wanted.
I did drink heavily at the time, but she wanted to drink at different times than I wanted to drink, and I still had to go out and work, and she wasn’t working.
So, I was the only one bringing the money.
It caused a lot of resentment and bad feeling between the two of us.
Eventually, it led to the relationship collapsing, unfortunately.
That’s going to happen sometimes.
If you can’t find some kind of compromise between both of you, you shouldn’t be in a be all and end all.
You have to listen to the other partner and accept their drinking to a certain level, but you’re not drinking anymore.
The thing I can say is just not to enable it.
I did a video earlier on where this person’s partner was going off and drinking on their own or with their friends and coming back drunk.
Basically they were trying to carry on with their life the way they wanted to do it.
They wanted to carry on drinking but then this person had stopped drinking but wasn’t fully committed.
All you can do is be the example that you want to set in the world.
You can do that by first of all not drinking yourself, not having any drink because as soon as you have one drink, then you’re breaking your 100% resolve to do this.
You’re not being that example, and it’s that one thing you do against your example that will sit in the minds of other people.
Another thing is not to enable the other person’s drinking.
If they start drinking and it bothers you, then don’t be in the same room with them. Walk out the room and say ‘see you later’.
You drink and I’m leaving.
As I said before, my partner drinks.
She cut down on the drinking lots and lots, not that she was drinking much before in the first place.
But I wouldn’t go through that.
If my partner started drinking heavily and it started getting between us, I wouldn’t stay.
I know that’s harsh but you have to think about yourself first.
You have to think about your side of this.
If the alcohol is becoming a real issue, then something has to change.
What would you rather the change be?
That you go back onto the alcohol again and take away from everything you’ve achieved?
You’d rather the other person stop drinking, but if they don’t, then what’s the alternative?
Sometimes, there is no alternative but to finish the relationship, or at least take a break and go ‘it’s not working for me. I think we should take a break for a while’.
I know it’s not as easy as that. I can only talk about this from a personal point of view.
I wouldn’t put up with it for any length of time.
You’ve obviously talked about this.
It’s a hard one.
But, if I was looking for a new relationship, I wouldn’t be looking for a drinker or someone who was eating crap foods.
I’d try and look for someone on the same path as I was on, because it makes it easier all around.
I know it sounds harsh.
It’s very difficult to make changes in your life, to push yourself into achieving things in your life.
It’s because you have to keep the changes up day after day.
You have to keep making the changes step by step.
Just as some people have got the alcohol holding them back because they keep looking back or they consider themselves to be an alcoholic, they think they have a disease.
They consider that they still want the lifestyle but don’t want to put the alcohol in.
These are all things that are going to be pulling you back.
A partner can do that as well.
You have to make those tough decisions.
I can’t do that for you.
I’m sorry I can’t even give you great advice on this because this happens all the time, regardless of whether it’s alcohol or drugs.
In a relationship, there are many reasons why relationships fail.
The one thing is that people drift apart and start doing different things.
Those things stop being compatible with each other.
So the two people stop being compatible because their interests and motivations and goals in life start to diverge and go in opposite directions.
That is just going to lead to one thing and that’s separation.
You have to really sit down with your girlfriend talk to her on those terms: ‘things have got to change, I can’t keep doing this.’
I wish I could give you some solution but I can’t.
If you have any questions at all, or something you can say to this guy, then please leave it down below in the comment section. This guy obviously needs some help and is in some pain.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT’S BEST FOR YOUR LIFE AND NOT WHAT’S BEST FOR EVERYONE ELSE.
Until next time…
Onwards and Upwards!