Alcohol Destroys Relationships- Stop Drinking Alcohol for Relationship Reasons

Alcohol Destroys Relationships- Stop Drinking Alcohol for Relationship Reasons(Transcript)

Hi, how are you doing, I’m Kevin O’Hara for Alcohol Mastery and today I’m going to be talking about, Alcohol Destroys Relationships- Stop Drinking Alcohol for Relationship Reasons .

Drinking is a Very Selfish Thing

You have to ask yourself how can you give the most to your relationships when you’re drinking, how can you be sociable.

Everybody always says, it’s a very sociable thing, people drink for sociable reasons. But if you think about drinking, heavy drinking or any addiction, it’s a very inward looking thing, it’s a very selfish thing, people drink for the wrong reasons.

When people drink, for whatever reason, it’s all about altering your perceptions; it’s about trying to get yourself into another state of mind.

Drinking is a Very Selfish Thing

People talk about alcohol being sociable, but if you’ve ever spent any time, any time when you haven’t been drinking with somebody who is drinking, you’ll see that it’s not very sociable at all, it’s all about them. It’s about how drunk they are or how sober they are, how much they want another drink and what they think, and hot much they love you. You know, a very selfish thing.

The Alcohol Love Hate Relationship

In terms of relationships, there’s a love hate relationship with alcohol.

I think anyone who’s been drinking alcohol for a long time realises that, at the end of the day, there’s just not something, something that’s just not right about the way we’re drinking, the problems that it’s causing in our lives.

And in our relationships, even the people who are the closest to us won’t actually come out, for the most part won’t come out, and tell you directly that they think your drinking habit has got a bit out of control, but they will tell you with their emotions.

Hardwired with a Bullshit Detector

I think human beings are very, very good at reading each other’s emotions, reading body language, reading facial expressions, reading tone of voice.

There have been a few people talking about this over the years… that we’ve only been using the spoken language for a very short space of time in evolutionary terms, relatively speaking.

And even now we only communicate – there are different views on this – between 7% and 35% are the figures that some people have put on the amount that we communicate through words.

The rest of it is through just a gut feel for how a person is looking, what you think just by looking at a person, the feelings that you are getting off them.

Winning Back Trust

We pick up a lot of these non-verbal signals that people are concerned about our drinking and I think that affects the whole relationship thing.

Even when we stop drinking it does change…your view of other people and people’s views of you… it changes gradually. People generally take a long time, even your closest allies… Your closest friends and your closest family will take a long time before they change your opinion of you, before they lose their suspicions.

Especially if they’ve heard it all before!

Let’s face it, drunks are not the most honest people around!

I’ve lied my arse off because of drink.

I’ve lied about the length of time that I’ve been drinking.

I’ve lied about the amount I’ve drank in a session, even to myself.

I’ve lied about whether I’m going to go out drinking that day.

I’ve just lied about everything!

it’s almost like you’re having an affair. It’s the same sort of thing where you’ve sort of got to keep tabs on yourself and it’s impossible to do.

It’s Not Living, Just Existing!

It’s just a nasty bad way of living!

But the great thing is that people do start to trust you again.

For me personally, it was when people stopped asking me “Are you drinking tonight”, “Are you going to be drinking when we’re away” or “Are you going to go back to drinking at Christmas”… I was asked this 6months ago.

And then people just tend to assume that you’re part of the non-drinking crowd and you’re not going to drink.
And that’s when I think you really start getting your trust back.

Who Am I Now?

You stop being the drunk and the person who is going to get drunk. I don’t know what people’s views of me were, I couldn’t tell you, but now I’m not that person anymore.

I’m a dad again, first and foremost.

I’m a partner.

I’m a brother.

I’m a son.

I’m a friend.

I’m all those things now instead of being the drunk.

I love that!!!!

It Takes Two to Tango!

I think everyone should remember also that, a relationship is between 2 people, even if it’s a big group. I know there’s a group dynamic about how everyone sort of gets on with each other, but the group dynamics still come down to individual relationships within the group, individual relationships between 2 people within the group.

It’s your relationship with the other person, it’s how you get on with them, and how they get on with you, and the interaction, and all that kind of stuff. but the thing is that you can’t be responsible for anyone else and that’s regardless of who that person is, even if it’s your kids.

They have their own thoughts, they have their own feelings, and that’s just the way it is.

Be the Best Person You Can Be… For You

It boils down to you being the best person that you can be, for yourself… not for anyone else.

If you’re on the path of being the best person that you want to be, then that’s surely going to improve your relationships.

And if people have got a problem with that then, it’s their problem, it’s not yours.

You can only do your best!

What’s Your Definition?

At the end of the day, when you do quit drinking, you have more time on your hands, you have more brain capacity, you can think more about your relationships and how you can improve them from your side, what you can do to make your relationships with other people better, that’s your angle, that’s what is your responsibility to do, nothing else.

It’s you who can redefine who you are and only you who can redefine who you are.

Onwards and Upwards On Your Terms!

Like I say, I’m now the father I want to be, and brother I want to be, I’m the son I want to be, I’m the person I want to be.

And if that’s not good enough for other people, like I say, it’s their problem. It’s not mine.

That’s the only way that I think you can live your life and be sane because you never know what other people want and what other people want, could change from one minute to the next minute, so you’re busy trying to become this person that you think somebody else wants you to become…that you presume. and you don’t even know if that is true or not.

It could be just whim on their part.

Then they change the way they view you and you’ve to start all over again.

That’s no way to live.

So, you live for yourself, you try and make yourself the best person that you can be.

And that’s it. Period!

If you’ve got any questions on that, give us a shout.

Go over and sign up for the subscription on the website, it’s over on the right hand side of the page. Just leave your name and email address, it’s absolutely free, it’s a weekly thing.

Until next time, I’m Kevin O’Hara for Alcohol Mastery, Onwards and Upwards!

Quit Drinking Alcohol for Relationship Reasons

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About The Author

Kevin O'Hara

If you want help quitting drinking alcohol, I recommend you join our Mastermind Coaching Program. Here you will find all the help you need with daily exclusive informative videos, Q&A's, and monthly Roundtables on relevant topics. The Mastermind Coaching Group has many supportive members at various stages of their journey. Here you'll find non-judgemental motivation, support, and accountability. Click here for more information.

11 Comments

  • Holly

    Reply Reply June 17, 2014

    You are my morning cup of coffee, leading me to feeling hopeful! This video is inspiration to be myself, the sister, Aunt, daughter, girlfriend that I want to be.
    Thank you again Kevin, and have a wonderful day!
    Holly

  • Tom

    Reply Reply August 1, 2016

    I would like some advice I really love my girlfriend but alcohol destroys our lives. She drinks heavy pretty much daily. We have aspersions but she always collapses under the weight of alcohol when it comes time to act on them. She gives up everything drops me and runs to the bottle. She always tells me that it’s easier to fail than it is to try to succeed. It’s destroying me as a person because I want to move forward towards life goals. Every time we try I get my hopes up then I am crushed. She refuses to get help for drinking and my support alone is not enough I’m at the end of my rope and all I really want to do is cry. Any help is greatly appreciate.

    • Kevin O'Hara

      Reply Reply August 4, 2016

      I’ll do a video for this one, Tom…watch out for it in the newsletter…

  • Katy

    Reply Reply June 7, 2017

    Thank you for this, it was really helpful to read, as I have been in a relationship for the past two months with someone who uses alcohol to self medicate or cope with life’s stresses, and has even not remembered things that happened the night before. He is an amazing person, but his drinking really causes him problems in his life, and makes being in a relationship with him very difficult. He is manipulative and inconsiderate for example, and it is hard to really depend on him. He loses things, expensive things, and breaks things, and gets so upset with himself, is just one example. I have tried to kindly tell him that I think his drinking is causing him problems and I hope he stops, and maybe he should seek professional help, he just gets defensive and basically says that just because I don’t drink much doesn’t mean drinking is bad, a lot of people do it. It is crazy to me, that he doesn’t admit he has a problem with it and needs help of some kind. Especially after times of him not remembering things that have happened, and damaging things of high value, and doing things he’s been later very embarrassed of. His father was an alcoholic, and abusive physically he said. He grew up in a very wealthy family, and had a very different child hood than myself. I’ve never experienced this before, and feel I have to let go of someone I love very much, and who loves me. I almost feel I don’t love him anymore, it is so hard to after all the things that have been said and done, that anger and embarrassment and things like this. Things that have happened when with my family as well. He needs help, in my opinion, but seems totally resistant to getting it. Any advice here? Or words of wisdom to share, with someone like me who has very little experience with this sort of thing? I have to take care of myself, and stop trying to take care of him, I know that. Thanks.

    • Kevin O'Hara

      Reply Reply June 10, 2017

      You said it Katy. Each one of us has to put ourselves first… If we don’t, who else will… All you can do is express your concerns to this person… You cannot force them to change.

  • Lyndal

    Reply Reply August 5, 2017

    Kevin
    What you wrote? That could have been me writing that! What I realise is that our stories are all pretty much the same.
    I sent my former boyfriend, this link. He won’t get it. He has blocked me. Again. But I feel better for having sent it, anyhow, to show him that hope exists for him, the alcoholic, once he chooses to get real.
    Lyndal

  • Susan

    Reply Reply October 18, 2017

    Thank you for sharing this article. I left my husband because he drinks to much and lies. I divorced him and hoped he would get help to win me back. I am realizing he loves his alcohol more than me. Plus I don’t even know who he is anymore. Thinking our whole marriage was a fallacy. He built it on lies. I need to let go and move forward.

  • Louise

    Reply Reply January 20, 2018

    Great article. I have recently split up with my partner of 10 years. He has admitted himself into rehab and I’m feeling hopefull he will make a full recovery. I feel like I’ve given up on the relationship but I’m so hurt from all the lies and manipulation. He’s not the person I fell in love with. I’m hoping one day we can rebuild our relationship to what it was before his drinking. Just looking for some advice. I feel so lost and confused

  • Curtis

    Reply Reply January 30, 2018

    Saw your video about quoting drinking for relationships and it couldn’t be more spot on where my girlfriend and I are at now. She absolutely refuses to quit drinking even though she knows how it affects our relationship. She says “I enjoy drinking, and I find value in it with my friends and family”. Everyone else in her life drinks heavily on the regular too so it’s never been an issue for her before she met me. I just need some advice. I myself don’t drink but I’m expected to put up with her lying, sneeking and hiding it from me. What do I do? Thank you

  • Betty Springs

    Reply Reply July 9, 2018

    Please email daily updates on Alcoholism behaviors behalf MY Marriage and Relationship the Problems its causing for everyday drinking.(Betty Springs:email. love_78028@yahoo.com

  • Mike

    Reply Reply July 28, 2018

    We are groomed into drinking early in life. At first, it’s all about being social and celebrating anything and everything. Not long after that, we are groomed into self medicated drinking as a stress reliever.

    Drinking leads to anti-social behavior and low self esteem. No marriage or relationship has a chance to thrive and it will never survive if alcohol is brought into the relationship. It leads to fights and hurt.

    We should be groomed into knowing the reality of alcohol. Alcohol leads to disaster and it kills.

    Great contribution to the truth about alcohol Kevin. My organization will be pleases to support your work.

    Kind Regards,

    Mike

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