My Partner is Still Drinking and Making Me Feel Left Out - What To Do?

My Partner is Still Drinking and Making Me Feel Left Out – What To Do?

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My Partner is Still Drinking and Making Me Feel Left Out – What To Do? Transcript

Today, I want to talk about an email I got from a person who was saying that their partner was going off and drinking on their own or with their friends and they were coming back to the house probably drunk.

This person felt their partner was laughing at them, and their group of friends was taking the mick and not being very supportive.

I’ve spoken about this a lot before about what do you do if your partner still drinks or if your other half still drinks.

It’s an important subject to talk about.

I’ve only limited knowledge about this field, and my knowledge is limited by my own relationships and how they have sort of gone either way over the past.

I’ve seen things from both sides of the spectrum.

I’ve been in relationships where the other person was taking a drug that I didn’t’ want to take and putting up with that kind of scenario.

I’ve also been at the end where I’m the one that’s taking the drug and the other person not wanting to take the drug and not liking the person that I was when I was drinking, or the lifestyle I was following.

I’ve seen it from both sides but my knowledge is going to be restricted to my relationships and what I’ve seen myself.

Just from that viewpoint.

The first thing that I’ll say is another person’s behaviour is not your fault.

There’s nothing you can really do about it.

There are different ways to do this.

I don’t think you can ever change another person by telling them to change.

Talking to somebody that is close to you is very important.

It’s important to sit down and talk these things through.

Be very honest about it because these things have a tendency to fester if they’re left undealt with.

You’ve got to be honest for your own sake.

It’s no good most of the time trying to force another person to conform to what you’re doing because it just won’t work.

I overtly tried that in the beginning, tried to influence the people around me to stop drinking but it was basically about me.

I didn’t want people around me drinking because I didn’t want to think about alcohol, and that was wrong of me to do that.

I’ve got to be strong enough to do this on my own because alcohol is everywhere.

The advertising is everywhere.

You just can’t get away from it, so one way or another, you’re going to be influenced by alcohol drinkers, whether it’s in your own house or outside.

I’ve accepted that it’s part of my life.

I’m 3 1/2 years into this and it doesn’t bother me anymore that Esther drinks alcohol.

I’m not a great one for talking or expressing myself, but if I feel that it is going to damage our relationship, then I will somehow sit down and day this is the way I feel about it, and see where we go from there.

It’s definitely not a good place to be to feel like people are laughing at you.

It’s a reaction that you are having and whether or not it is real, I know it’s a reaction and you have to address that.

I got the impression as well from the email that you were still drinking a little bit to prove to yourself, I think you said in the email that you have a drink every so often to prove to yourself that you didn’t like it anymore.

For me, I’m going through it now as a vegan, and every so often, I’ll have some chocolate that has milk in it, and I don’t want to drink milk anymore.

I didn’t think there was a problem with that because I’m on more of the whole foods plant based diet more than vegan and I’m doing it for my health.

It’s the smaller of two evils.

I’m not eating any animal flesh, so now I can still continue to have a little drop of milk every so often.

The point is that if you want to influence other people and get them to drink less, you have to be consistent with your own beliefs.

Same with me and my diet, when people say I’m not really following my principles and why did I think that they would follow it?

Every so often when I was out with my son, I had a half glass of beer or wine just to prove that I can, then it’s going against my own principles.

It’s basically saying I don’t believe 100% in what I’m doing.

I will never put alcohol in my mouth anymore.

I don’t need to prove anything to anyone around me.

I’m with friends who I see every so often, and they have quit smoking, but as soon as their kids are out of the way and they have holidays, they buy a packet of cigarettes and smoke them.

We were with them the last time and we sat with them.

It was two adults and we sat with them at a local restaurant.

Their 2 daughters were there and they wanted us to join them.

There was an ice cream place down the road, and the father gave the kids money and said ‘go and get some ice cream’ and as soon as the kid was out of the way, they pulled out the cigarettes.

They smokes 2 cigarettes each in the time their kids were away and they came back.

They were saying don’t say anything in front of the kids, and they were saying they wanted to prove that they could do this, that they didn’t really need the cigarettes anymore.

It seemed sad for me for one thing, these people are intelligent.

They have great jobs, they’re smart people.

And yet, they’re doing this to themselves.

I just didn’t understand it.

Look, all I’m saying is that you have to be a 10% consistent if you want to convince other people to follow your route and say that this is the best way to live, and alcohol is a poison and toxin to your body as well as your life, and look how good I am, not drinking alcohol.

As soon as you start going back to it, drinking alcohol even if it’s only small.

When other people see you doing that, they think you’re not 100% committed to it yourself, so they take that 100% commitment, and any sort of hope you had with them following you just disappears.

I’m just saying that from one perspective.

Mainly, I would suggest that you sit down and talk to your partner about this because this is serious if you think that someone is laughing behind your back.

On a lighter side of this, I get people laughing at me all the time that I’m a vegan and I don’t drink anymore. People offer me drinks.

I got used to it.

There’s that perspective as well.

The perspective when I’m paranoid when I’m out in public, and I sort of put my thoughts into their mind and I think that these people are thinking about me.

I sort of say that’s not really true, that’s me projecting my own insecurities on them.

It’s a different story when you’re dealing with a partner but you should feel that you can talk to your partner.

If there’s anyone with better advice about me…I was asked a question and I’m giving my advice from the way I see it.

It’s the advice I’ve got for you.

If anyone’s got a better advice, please leave them down below. We’re a community trying to help each other.

Until next time, keep the alcohol out of your mouth.

ALWAYS TAKE NOTES OF WHO SUPPORTS YOU GENUINELY. THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE YOU NEED TO KEEP AROUND.


Until next time...
Onwards and Upwards!

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Kevin O'Hara

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4 Comments

  • Ed Gala

    Reply Reply October 5, 2016

    Went for a weekend with my wife to a desert vacation house we go to often. For some reason we were at odds nearly the entire weekend and I wasn’t sure why. She still drinks and smokes (pot), I do neither. After two years of sobriety, I have discovered I have about a three hour limit hanging out with intoxicated people, after which time the drunken conversations bore me and I split. Since my wife still indulges, she was buzzed the whole weekend. After time, the excessive enthusiasm and circular thinking got on my nerves. Once home I told her what I was feeling during the weekend. She listened, understood, but we will see how our next visit goes. It is a desert, so if need be I can explore for hours to get a bit of a respite away from the house. Kevin’s right you cannot control anyone else’s behavior. Onwards and upwards.

  • Sarah Steven

    Reply Reply October 6, 2016

    Just a tip….lindt 70% dark chocolate is suitable for vegans it will solve your chocolate cravings and is full of antioxidants i have 2 squares everyday as a treat afrer work with a green tea give it a try. Thanks for all your help on the booze front, iv stopped in my tracks a few times and said no thanks to your suggestions x

  • Mick

    Reply Reply November 29, 2016

    Hi Kevin, listening to your clip, I feel regret and shame for letting my wife and kids see me drinking and the great times I/we missed out on. I am coming to the view all drinking is addiction its never a habit even for so called social drinkers. I think when you look at social drinkers behavior its much more like the first steps of addiction than a habit. Which is why wives and husbands who drink are not always supportive, they know in the back of their mind, they have a problem.

    I am only 96 days off the booze, but I know I wont drink the stuff ever again.
    This certainty grows as my knowledge grows. a sort of deprogramming is taking place. If people drink around me, my wife sometimes says I’m a bit quiet, this is not because I feel I’m missing out, its because my friends can talk bollocks when they drink too much.

    The cycle of Addiction, as I think it can be seen and shows its not a habit.

    1, Conditioned by society to believe alcohol provides pleasure, less stress, anxiety, more relaxed (not true)
    2, Start to believe your incomplete can’t enjoy social occasions with no booze
    3, Believe I can never get hooked on this its taste like shit
    4, Develop a taste for the stuff
    5, Start to get an uneasy notion something missing, week days are bit boring or stressful etc
    6, since you don’t suffer any negatives when drinking, you don’t make a connection to the negative feelings in the week. Maybe a slight faint feeling on a Wednesday “I could fancy a pint” but nothing more.
    7, We then find we have to drink more for the same affect, relaxed, chilled, great, etc etc, this relief is real, so we believe the shit makes us feel good.
    8, Since the drug makes you relaxed you don’t associate the empty feeling or boring week at work with the booze. Booze is what weekends are for. A holiday with no booze, never???
    9, The immunity grows, the relaxed feeling isn’t forthcoming and you start drinking enough to slur your words to stagger, (your poor brain is fucking misfiring and everyone thinks it’s funny) Not the wife or husband you’re embarrassing, by being a complete arse, they ask you to cut down or stop.
    10, Cutting down, panic time, first time you can’t drink what you want when you want. You try cutting down, it doesn’t work, panic, you should panic, but you make excuses, set future deadlines, pick days you won’t drink etc etc
    11, Relationships may becoming frayed and comments made prior to going out etc Eventually you are unhappy even when drinking, often arguing you wouldn’t be in a mood if people left you alone. Maybe start lying about how much you drink.
    12, Tolerance is so high, you have to drink a couple of bottles of wine a day, your health falters, your nerves suffer and the feeling of dependence grows. You drink even more, the cycle continues and then you realize, your dependent on this shit you didn’t even like the taste of.
    13, If you’re lucky you now see the stuff for what is and stop, 100% stop, without boring you with the science, you have hard wired your brain to drink too much, hard wired. There is no in-between, it’s a straight choice stop or it will kill you. There is no cutting down.
    14, The misery ends. You realise quitting isn’t that bad or hard to do, a few weeks of discomfort, maybe fading to nothing over the next 18 months. You only get this step if you stop. You understand all of above and start to realise you have been tricked and that providing you don’t have so much as one drop, the pain will go and you will get your fun back. But you must always remember you have hard wired your brain, it may seem fine and it is providing you don’t activate the wiring by drinking. Do not drink anything you’re just delaying the end of the misery or kick starting the next.

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